PEREZ HILTON SAYS SOMETHING MEAN ABOUT LINDSAY LOHAN

Late this afternoon, while on flight to a Red Robin opening in Ames, Iowa, celebrity blogger Perez Hilton received an e-mail he simply could not ignore. The message was written in all caps, and came from Hilton's most valuable resource, a photographer who goes by the handle, "LindsayLoHACK." When he first read the piece of mail, Hilton simply could not believe it was true. Later, sadly he learned the truth: Lindsay Lohan was walking down the street, and he had the photo that would prove it.

"When I first heard the news, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" said Hilton after taking a few quick breaths. "My initial thought was, I mean, 'What a stupid bitch!'

"I mean, seriously, you guys, what right does Lindsay Lohan have to take a walk? She hasn't been in a good movie in, like, 5 years, her songs are shit, and she was in rehab 5 times last year! When are people going to stop letting that LoWHORE take walks and eat food and shop for clothes? I mean, what the fuck, y'all?!!"

After landing at the Des Moines airport, Hilton made several phone calls to various paparazzi friends in Beverly Hills and Hollywood, which confirmed the story. Hilton then immediately called the Red Robin, told the proprietor to "fuck himself" and cancelled. Hilton boarded the next available flight back to LA, but not before encountering some obstacles.

Hilton was told that buying a day-off flight would cost roughly $600 since he had made no previous reservations. Mr. Hilton greeted this news with anger, and, after calling the customer service representative a "stupid cunt twat," demanded to speak with her manager. When told that she was, in fact, a manager as well, Hilton shouted the words, "But I'm Perez Hilton! Perez Hilton! Perez Fucking Hilton, the greatest celebrity blogger in the world!" until security finally came over and tasered the scribe. After waking from his unconscious state, Hilton was faced with a dilemma.

"After that stupid whore told me I couldn't board a fucking plane, I had to figure out what I was going to do," said Hilton as he adjusted the ice pack on his tasered neck. "Was there a way for me to write this story if I wasn't in LA? Is there a way for me to tell the world Lindsay Lohan went for a walk while stuck in this shitty piece of shit shithole?"

Fortunately for Hilton, he found a way. After taking a seat in a "third-rate" Panera Bread, Hilton opened up his laptop, and, thanks to the free Wi-Fi provided by that particular bakery, was able to open up his Lohan e-mail. He then found the photo of Lohan walking, and, using MS Paint, wrote the word "TWAT WHORE BITCH" next to her name, along with a penis shooting ejaculate into her mouth.

Although this particular incident had a positive outcome, Hilton has learned a valuable lesson. In order to insure that this sort of mix-up never happens again, the Internet A-lister vows to sell enough pink T-shirts at Hot Topic to buy his own jumbo jet, which he plans to call the "Sassplane 69."

"Never again will I, Perez Hilton, be subject to the rigors and douchebaggery that accompany commercial airline travel. Having to pay a lot of money for a same day plane ticket just because I scheduled horribly and wanted to go somewhere immediately that I really didn't need to go to? I don't think so, honey! I'm Perez, bitches! My fifteen minutes of fame still has 14 seconds left! I ain't payin' shit!"

PREGNANT WOMAN GIVES BIRTH

By Josh Hartnett, with help from ABC News, The Huffington Post, TMZ, and the masses.

This story originally appeared on "The Huffington Post." All changes made have been typed in bold print.

ABC News is reporting that Melissa Cassaday, also known as "The Pregnant Woman", gave birth today to a healthy baby girl. The pregnant woman's baby's (gramatical error) name has not yet been released.

Melissa Cassaday, who is not being touted as the world's first pregnant woman, was born a woman. While she has not had her (probably--I lost track ed.) breasts removed and is legally a woman, her vagina is still intact.

Initial reports said that Melissa Cassaday had planned on a cesarean birth, but according to ABC News, the pregnant woman has not yet revealed how she delivered the baby.

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting that pregnant woman Melissa Cassaday gave birth via C-section, while ABC News is claims that "that earlier reports that Cassaday had planned a cesarean (spelling error) section are false" and the birth was "natural."

2nd UPDATE: People.com is reporting that, "despite previously published reports, Melissa Cassaday says the baby was not delivered via C-section."

TMZ isn't hearing the whole thing was totally cloak and dagger. She checked into the hospital in Bend, Ore. under a fake name after going into labor early Monday morning and her room was sealed off, away from other expectant moms.

The birth of her daughter will presumably be a crucial aspect of Melissa Cassaday's memoir, titled "LOVE MAKES A FAMILY: A Memoir of Hardship, Healing and an Extraordinary Pregnancy, Not Unlike Most Pregnancies That Involve a Woman Being Pregnant."

OVERWEIGHT MAN EATS LARGER PORTION OF MEAL THAN ANTICIPATED

When Daniel Rogers arrived at his near-by Cracker-barrel late Sunday morning, he knew this wasn't going to be an average, everyday meal. That is to say, it wasn't going to be a physically fit man's average, everyday meal.

For more than 32 years now, Daniel has been eating larger portions than most men his height. This is no small feat, especially in the health conscious world that America has strived for the last 30 some-odd years.

"I've never seen myself as a follower," Rogers said while dipping a corn chip in gravy and hot sauce. "No nutritionist should be allowed to say what is physically fit and what is morbidly obese."

Rogers had already finished three scrambled eggs, two slices of ham, four strips of bacon, and three Belgian waffles when his waitress, Carla Reynolds, came by and asked him if he was ready for the check.

"I was absolutely shocked," said Rogers after sucking leftover gravy hot sauce off his plate with an over-sized Daffy Duck straw. "To assume that I was ready to stop eating is extremely presumptuous and intolerant.

"What if I was diabetic and need blood sugar, or insulin, or whatever diabetic people use, and more food was the only way to keep me from having a stroke? She could have killed me. Right?"

After declining the check, Rogers ordered a Denver Omelet and a sampler. Thwarted in her quest, Reynolds placed her customer's order and delivered his food in a timely fashion, attempting to table the issue.

"I admit now that I was wrong," Reynolds would later reveal. "I absolutely overstepped my boundaries and, from this day on, will never assume a guest is done eating simply because he's completed a well-balanced meal."

The rest of Rogers's breakfast continued without incident, and, after digesting a cinnamon roll 45 minutes later, politely asked for his check, along with a to-go order of 5 silver dollar pancakes.

Despite all of the ugliness that occurred at his local eatery, Rogers vows that this incident would not hinder him from making future visits to the popular breakfast chain.

"Hey, things happen," Rogers said while removing part of a stick of butter from his Tabasco-stained moo-moo. "If I stopped eating at every restaurant that prematurely asked me if I was finished with my meal, I would would be a much thinner man. No one wants that."

INTERVIEW WITH SOME GUY FROM SOMETHING CALLED "SAVED BY THE BELL"

Often here at "Fake News and Notes," we're afforded the opportunity to interview people we've never heard of before. Today, we were lucky enough to sit down with someone named "Dustin Diamond," who is here to promote something called the "Screech Toilet Plunger 4000." Although we're not sure exactly why all of those words are put together for this product, we decided to find out from the man, himself, Mr. Dustin Diamond.

Fake News: Thank you for joining us today, Mr... is it Diamond?

Dustin Diamond: Of course it's Diamond. I'm Dustin Diamond, for God's sake!

FN: Okay, excellent, Mr. Diamond! My first question for you is, what exactly is a "Screech Toilet Plunger," and what does the "4000" imply?

DD: That's an excellent question. You see, the "Screech Toilet Plunger 4000" is the latest innovation in toilet cleaning products! Oh, man, it's really something! All you have to do is put this tiny little foam "Screech Head" into your toilet.

FN: Okay. Excellent. What does the "Screech Head" do, exactly?

DD: Well,... it cleans your toilet.

FN: Right, I understand that it cleans the bowl, but I'm just asking how it actually cleans it. If you could describe how it functions, I think that would really help entice our readers into purchasing your product.

DD: Um,... it removes the shit.

FN: How does it remove residue?

DD: Look, pal, it doesn't remove residue, whatever that is. It cleans up shit.

FN: Again, I know what it's supposed to do after everything is said and done, but I was just hoping to get a little explanation. You know, like with a toilet scrubber, you wouldn't just say it "Gets rid of waste."

DD: Why not?

FN: Well, I mean, sure, you could say that, but to someone who, for a far-reaching example, didn't understand any English, telling them something cleans a surface without explaining how it cl--

DD: Why would you be speaking English to someone who doesn't know any English?

FN: No, I'm saying... Never mind. Say, how did you come up with the name "Screech Toilet Plunger 4000?" That's very exotic.

DD: Well, duh, dude, of course I'm going to call it the "Screech." I mean, it's just common sense to name the product after the most popular character in the history of television.

FN: Archie Bunker?

DD: No! Screech! Screech Powers!

FN: What's "Screech Power?"

DD: My role on "Saved by the Bell," fucktard! Haven't you ever owned a fucking television?!! Haven't you ever watched Saturday morning cartoons?

FN: Oh, was Screech the name of an animated raccoon or something?

DD: No, he was the nerdy but lovable best friend to Zack Morris and A.C. Slater. This is the show that put Mario Lopez on the map!

FN: Is he any relation to George Lopez? I've heard of his show.

DD: You know, you're a fucking idiot, dude!

FN: Does your plunger come with a warranty?

DD: No.

FN: What if it doesn't work?

DD: It'll fucking work, dude.

FN: Well, yeah, probably, but nothing's perfect.

DD: Well, yeah, except my product is perfect. Fuck a warranty. Fuck you.

FN: How much does your plunger cost?

DD: $89.99, plus shipping and handling and servicing fees.

FN: What exactly does the servicing fee entail?

DD: Oh, what the fuck? What do you think it "entails?"

FN: I really don't know.

DD: If you don't know, maybe you're too stupid to have one. Give me back your complimentary toilet plunger.

FN: I never got one.

DD: Bullshit!

FN: No, I never got one. My producer kept asking your girlfriend/manager for one to use for a demonstration, and she kept saying she couldn't give us one.

DD: If you don't give that back to Screech Co. Incorporated, I'm gonna sue your ass for insubordination.

FN: I don't think that's actually ins--

DD: And malpractice. And grand larceny.

FN: I think you're just throwing random terms out now...

DD: And a federal judiciary.

FN: Again, I'd like to thank our guest today, Dustin Diamond. Check out his website, http://www.screeched.biz/, to learn more information on his "Screech Toilet Plunger 4000." Are people able to obtain earlier models such as the 2000 or 3000?

DD: Go fuck yourself.

FN: Thanks again, Dustin.

ROBIN WILLIAMS INTERVIEW

On the eve of his 57th birthday, Academy-Award winning actor Robin Williams sat down with "Fake News and Notes" to answer some questions in an impromptu Q&A regarding the state of film, the upcoming presidential election, and why cats like to stick their butts in people's faces.

Fake News: Robin, first of all, I want to thank you for taking some time out of your busy day to sit down and talk with us.

Robin Williams: Well, it's either with us or against us, as they say. I do say! I delcare! Oh ho, now! There's a declaration! "It is this day, July 21st, 2008, that we declare our independence!" "Wow-wee, look at all them fireworks there, now, Billy Jean! That there's a sight to behold!" "Hey, man! You holdin'? I'm freakin' out here, man!!!"

FN: Yeah... congratulations on your recent Emmy nomination for guest actor in a drama series. I saw your spot on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, and you really seemed comfortable in that medium, unlike a lot of film actors. Would you ever consider a jump into television, say on a show like "Damages" or "Boston Legal?"

RW: Legal beagle? How about the Regal Beagle? "I don't know about this, Larry. Janet's going to be here any minute with Mr. Roper and State Senator Dobson. I don't think I have enough time to persuade these two stewardesses that I'm a Pope's apprentice." "Do you really think you'd make for a great Pope with such a horrendous presentation? Who would honestly ever want to convert to Catholicism after witnessing such a meandering, stupid, fat performance? You're fired!" Oh ho, fire, fire, pants on liar! Liar, Liar! Let's see what I can contort into? Ooh, say, now I'm in a box! Now, I'm in a cupboard! Now, I'm in a missile silo! "You lookin' for dem weapons of mass destruction? They right over there!"

FN: (slight laugh) Good point... you know, I just saw "Man of the Year" for the first time last week, and I'm surprised at how poorly it was received. The concept seemed pretty current, but the execution seemed to miss... something. How do you feel about that film's message?

RW: Message in a baw-tull... message in a baw-tull... Ooh hoo, what if it was a massage in a bottle? Kind of a tight fit, defeats the purpose. Highlights! Fun with a purpose! What about "Highlights: Fun with a Porpoise?" Oh, all the games you could play with your dolphin friends. But "Friends," hey, where's Joey? Where's Ross? "His monkey got out! Someone stop the monkey!" SHOCK the mon-key!

FN: Yeah, that was a pretty good song. Um, I've noticed that in your lengthy career, you really haven't done too many sequels, despite having a slew of hit films under your belt. Is that solely by coincidence, of because you're aware of the ri--

RW: Can you ask me about that dog?

FN: What?

RW: Can you ask me a question about that dog that lady is walking? The one right across the street?

FN: Um, sure. What are your thoughts on that dog across the street?

RW: "How much is that dog-gy in the window?" (laughs) "Who let the dogs out?!! Who?!! Who?!!! Who?!!! Who?!!!" "Hey, man, you know what they say--it's a dog-eat-dog world!" But have you ever seen a dog eat another dog? It'd be anarchy, anarchy everywhere, if dogs were just running around, taking bites out of one another! Why, it'd be truly insane! "Insane in the mem-brane! Insane! Got no brain!"

FN: (sighs) Um,... McCain or Obama?

RW: "Hello?!! This is John McClane!"

FN: No, that's Die Ha--

RW: "Do you hear me? There are 87 Russian terrorists up here! Yippie ki yay, I can't fight them all!" Ooh hoo, or maybe I can! Nun-chuks!

FN: All right, I believe that's all the time we have for today. I want to thank Robin Williams for being with us today.

RW: Being be up, Scotty!

FN: Yeah,...

CELEBRITY GOSSIP LEACH WEEKEND WITH MATTHEW MCCONAU-GAY!!

Do you get it, you little bitches? It's like Matthew McConaughey, but I put GAY at the end to let you know this column is from the perspective of a flamboyant homosexual man who desperately wants to be accepted by Hollywood, but gets his feelings hurt quickly and doesn't know how to handle his shunning from big-time celebrities with grace and sophistication. That said,...

WHAT'S CRIZZAPPININ', my little McConaugaytians?!! This is your number one source for news no one cares about! I've been stalking people who star in movies all week to give you the "411, dial #, then *" on all your favorite actors when they're doing things during their private moments. You' privates ain't so private no mo', honey! Here's all the poop u can scoop!

-According to inside sources, it looks like CRASHlee Simpson is about to drop her baby like it's hot at a HOspital near you, if the price is right. Reportedly, CRASHlee is holding an online auction for her fans (All 4 of them--I'm such a bitch!). The highest bidder gets to decide which HOspital she'll deliver her new unborn child at. Hope it's not in the valley!

-Jennifer ASSiston (she totally looks like a man even though she looks like a woman) and John GAYer (we totally made out once--please read my desperate pleas) were reportedly seen kissing in the middle of ASSiston's bedroom. Y'all better get a room next time!

-In boring shizz newz, Barack OBORA was seen giving a speech on the pros and cons of Affirmative Action in a Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania coal mine. Better bring a coat! And lose the tie, already! That is SO Alex P. Keaton!

-Mary-Kate Olson was seen throwing away a cup of coffee after only 20 SIPS!!! Waste not, want not, you skinny bitch!

-Former Roseanne star Sara Gilbert was seen over the weekend shopping for "groceries" with her "sister" Melissa Gilbert. Uh-huh, girl! Who you foolin'?? What would John Goodman say?!!

-In her blog late last night, Lindsey LaLaLaLezHOhan wrote about how she's fighting to stay sober, and that every day clean makes her feel like a much more balanced human being. Whatever you say, slut!

-Hard PAAAAAAAAAArtying "singer" Lily Allen walked her dog Thursday afternoon. What a stupid cunt whore bitch!

-SNL star Maya Rudolph did a sketch where she played a mildly retarded woman in an awkward situation. That'll show 'em!

-Madonna swam laps early Tuesday morning at her swanky upscale Manhattan gym. You work that thing, honey!

-Former Batman Forever studmuffin turned crudmuffin Val KILLMEr had lunch at La Burrito Bon late Sunday afternoon, and looked a little chunky eating his tuna sandwich. Yuck! Tuna is for heterosexuals and lesbians ONLY!

-And finally, in sad news, Hills star Lauren Conrad was seen leaving St. Lukes HOspital, according to McConaugaytians who were at the scene. According to her family, she was there to witness the "birth" of her nephew. Um, we call bullshit on that one! We hear she was there for thigh implants, outpatient methampthetamine rehabilitation, and to mourn the passing of the great-aunt Ida.

Stay strong, you slutty whore.

Well, that's all I have this week, dirty bitches! I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to cut the ribbon at the new P.F. Changs in Alhambra.

Loves and kisses,

xoxoxoxoxo

The McConaugay!!!

10 GREATEST TV-TO-FILM ADAPTATIONS THAT WILL NEVER BE MADE

Over the last several years, there have been an inordinate amount of classic television shows (and not-so-classic shows) that have been made into big-budget movies, with most of them failing to live up to their predecessor's success, both commercially and critically. It is with that idea that I constructed this list. Sure, some of the ideas seem a little unorthodox and ludicrous, but what I ask is that you, the reader, keep an open mind, because there's a decent chance they'd be a lot more entertaining than "Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas." With that said, let's get on with the list:

1) The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Bel-Air Under Siege.
Since "His Freshness" Will Smith left his alter ego "Will Smith," Will Smith has enjoyed rampant box-office success in a multitude of action-packed thrillers about aliens, gigantic mechanical spiders, and homeless vampire slayers who play matchmaker on the side. His track record is proven, and he's at that stage in his career where he can really make whatever vehicle he would like. Why not revisit wacky hi jinks and obvious double entendres?

In Bel-Air Under Siege, cousin Carlton Banks is a Republican senator from California who has just authored the "Anti-Terrorist" bill, which finally outlaws any act of global domination with a mandatory 5-year jail sentence and $20,000 fine. However, this new piece of legislation does not sit well with a man named Nozamed bin Fenir, who has spent his whole life pursuing his dream of destroying the United States. Fenir takes Carlton hostage, and the news spreads like wildfire across the country. While hitting on an attractive cheerleader at the ULA bookstore, assistant manager Will Smith hears about the kidnapping and darts over to the White House or Pentagon or some such place. With the help of wise-cracking sidekick Jazz and a giant tank he conveniently won at an Armed Forces auction, Will Smith defeats terrorism and gets the girl. Her name will be Tiffany, or something.

2) My Two Dads. In the slightly disgusting premise of My Two Dads, some lady dies who had slept with both Paul Reiser and a guy who may or may not have had a beard, and she's not sure which dude fathered her child. However, in this big-screen re-telling, it shouldn't be My Two Dads, but, like, My Eight Dads. And one of them will be evil. And one of them will be a scientist (it'll come in handy later). And one of them will be a colorful, fey, flamboyant man who no one questions as a possible impregnator. And one of them will be a robot (that's where that scientist will come in handy). There will be one "truly good" Dad that will have to save humanity, or, maybe, his possible daughter. I'm not sure from what yet. Oh,... let's say goblins.

3) Ellen. It's been 10 years since Ellen declared to the world her sexual preference, and we're all pretty much okay with it. That is, until some guy who's religious, played by, um, Tom Skeritt (or maybe Tom Berenger) stumbles upon her talk show where she talks about her engagement to Portia de Rossi, who happens to be a woman. Berenger's character is shocked that a woman would marry another woman, even though it's very, very legal. He, um, hires an orangutan to stop the wedding, or something, and then a pterodactyl (from the future) informs Skeritt of the error of his way. Also, the orangutan can talk, and Ellen tries to convince Portia it's a surprise party gone horribly awry.

4) According to Jim: The Movie. In the film, Jim Belushi talks for 90 minutes and no one laughs.

5) Dream On... It'd be just like the show, except the lead character, played by Brian Benben, would dream that he had a long-lost twin brother who was evil, and only Benben knew how to stop him. The brother would be named Nebneb. He has a plan to whisk away Benben's ex-wife under the guise that Nebneb is, actually, Benben. Then someone else with a ridiculous name dreams about a hot-air balloon race. And then Zach Braff from Scrubs has a daydream about nailing some skanks. Benben wakes up and realizes the movie isn't all that funny, but that people will still bring it up at the water cooler the next day just to make those without premium cable feel like inferior human beings. They'll try to talk about what they "watched" on PBS, but it'll be all for naught, because you can't BS what's on PBS. "Muppets," they'll say, and then the whole rouse will be blown.

6) This Week in Baseball. It'll be just like one of the old episodes of the classic baseball highlight show, only with Roger Twibell instead of Mel Allen, and no one instead of whomever got permission from Major League Baseball to rebroadcast baseball footage. The feds will go on a dogged pursuit of Twibell, and the head U.S. Marshall, played by John Leguizamo, will find Twibell hosting a really boring morning talk show in Kansas City, Kansas. Twibell will then grab an intern and threaten to give him a dull personality. Leguizamo steps in at the very last second and tells everyone how much of a dick John Stamos was on E.R., and Twibell drops his guard. To end the film, we'll get to see Omar Epps re-enact a home run robbing grab Twins outfielder Delmon Young made. Win!

7) Weekend Update: The Movie. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler read fake news for an hour and a half. It's kind of funny but drags on, until Norm MacDonald comes in and talks about Frank Stallone. Then, Frank Stallone comes in and talks about Sylvester Stallone. Then, Sylvester Stallone talks about Carl Weathers, but before he can finish, Weathers puts a $100,000 bounty on the head of Dolph Lundgren for "murdering" Weathers in Rocky 4. Lundgren pleads that he was playing a "fictional character," but that doesn't stop an angry mob from handcuffing him and chaining him to a pole. Lundgren charms a comely young lass into giving him the key to the cuffs. Lundgren then punches everyone in sight as if he were training on that "Soviet-A-Tron Punchmatic 4000" or whatever that thing was. Then, Weathers and Lundgren meet up in the studio, until Stallone (Frank) makes a speech that ends the Cold War, even though the Cold War already ended 20 years ago. And Norm will get fired again for not being funny, even though he's not on the cast. Then Amy Poehler will make a joke that's not really funny, but her delivery is, at best, "all right." Then the movie will end.

8) Speed Racer. It'll be very bright and flashy, and nothing like the TV show. Also, it will suck, and there'll be a monkey and John Goodman.

9) Two Guys, a Girl, a Pizza Place, and a Ice Cream Parlor. The guys realize that opening an ice cream parlor next door will help boost business tremendously, adding dessert to dinner. However, when their discount dairy turns out to be the expired milk from a calf suffering from mad cow disease, everyone becomes a zombie, and the guy who has a career will say something kind of funny. They'll flee zombies and then close the ice cream parlor, though the other guy will consider keeping it open because zombies tip well. He says it's because they "have no brains--why do you think they're always looking for some?" He's a money grubbing prick, and a zombie will murder him during the closing credits.

10) That 80s Show: The Movie. A bunch of people hang out in the 1980s. They do a bunch cocaine, become obsessed with money, wear leg-warmers, do that Jane Fonda workout, and don some sweet, faded denim jackets. Also, there'll be a special appearance by Fez! That 70s Show? Remember him? He was the foreign guy who was probably retarded? Only, in the 80s, he has a mohawk, and watches Growing Pains. You know, like in the 80s! They're all involved in a race to find a big bag of weed, and Cheech and Chong are competing, too, only when you watch it on TV, they're in search of "diamonds." Near the end of their journey, Mr. Belding from "Saved by the Bell" stops the kids and teaches them a valuable lesson about sharing. Then a space ship takes them away to Melmac, and Fez fucks Alf. Or maybe Alf fucks Fez. Either way, only one consented.

NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT "TWO AND A HALF MEN" ISN'T ACTUALLY FUNNY

According to a new study released by The Center for Quality Television earlier this week, "Two and a Half Men," the highest rated sitcom in America this past TV season, is not, in fact, funny. Despite averaging 13.64 million viewers a week, data gathered by the Quality TV Show counsel showed that for every half hour on the air, "Men" only secures 3.2 laughs, usually due to continuity errors and Charlie Sheen's wardrobe.

"Two and a Half Men," starring Sheen as a man who sleeps with a lot of women while his brother and nephew get into hi jinks, debuted in 2003 to critical praise and a large viewership, in part due to seasoned lead-in "Everybody Loves Raymond," which the counsel said was "kind of funny at times, like if you leave it on while cleaning the kitchen." "Men" was also helped by preceding the very popular "CSI:Miami," which garners 15.8 laughs per hour despite being a dramatic series.

When "Raymond" went off the air, "Two and a Half Men" took over the 9 o'clock slot and ratings soared, despite strong competition from some show starring an Arquette and "Law & Order" re-runs. It was at this time that the center began conducting their study, due largely to a breakdown in communication when members attempted to watch the show.

"After the show became popular, we knew we had to sit down and actually watch the thing," said Lionel King, vice-president of the Quality Television Center. "The show looked really stupid, but it was getting really good ratings. While watching it with four of our researchers, we heard Jon Cryer's character say something and then a large laugh track went off. When that roar of applause came, we had no idea what was going on. I thought we were under attack at first or something.

"We kept pausing and rewinding that thing, like, 4 or 5 times, until someone finally heard the guy say something about Britney Spears or something. It turned out to be dated, inaccurate, and, ultimately, not as hilarious as first reported."

For two years following that incident, the group researched feverishly, attempting to figure out exactly what was wrong with either the show, or, in fact, themselves. After all, this was the most popular sitcom in the world, and yet the center and their members hadn't laughed at an intentional joke once. For years, they hooked each other up to heart monitors, x-rays, blood pressure machines, and even lie detector tests.

"Every test we took came back negative," said Elisa Barnes, a 31-year-old laughter technician. "For such a popular show, no one we tested was showing any of the heavy breathing that is typically associated with humor. Mouths weren't curving upward at a consistent rate, eye movement was normal, and sides remained squarely in place, not showing even a millimeter of splittage."

After all their strenuous work, the organization finally released their results to both shock and outrage. Despite the overwhelming evidence that the show is unable to generate quality chuckling, fans were quick to dismiss the claim.

"Fucking liberal bullshit," said Horace Grant, a "Smiley O'Funnigans" franchisor out of Ganton, Oregon. "I don't need to laugh in order to know if something's funny. I know it's funny if the situation feels familiar, like I've already seen it before, and if there are actors I recognize, like Charlie Sheen. He's been in some movies."

In response to this discovery, CBS released a statement, stating the show, which in Canada is broadcast under the title "The Whoremonger, Ducky, and a Fat Kid," will remain on the air due to "being watched by, like, everybody" and that studies conducted on whether the show is funny or not are "fucking retarded." Beyond that, CBS had no comment.

One person who was truly taken aback by the analysis was star Sheen, who heard the news while sending a racial slur via text message to ex-wife Denise Richards. As the words "not funny" began to sink into his head, Mr. Sheen saved his text as a draft, and sat down on a near-by intern whom he likes to use as a park bench.

"I can't believe this is happening," the actor said while confirming his 4 o'clock prostitute appointment. "I mean, if the show isn't funny, then what have I been laughing at during the read-throughs? I always thought I had a good sense of humor. I mean, I knew this wasn't 'Hot Shots:Part Deux,' but what is? Hey, do you think it would help if we called it 'Deux and a Half Men'? That's funny, right?"

For now, it appears that, despite its lack of hilarity, "Two and a Half Men" will remain on the air. While the center is discouraged by the feedback they've gotten from the public, that doesn't mean they won't stop tracking the laughter popular TV shows manufacture. In fact, they've even got a project lined up for early next week.

"There's a show coming up starring Tony Danza," King said through clinched teeth, "and he's a basketball referee who stops time with a magic whistle that talks. The whistle says 'Blow Me.' That's it. That's the whole show. I'm not sure what I'll do if the show becomes a hit. I might slit my wrists; I might bathe in honey and jump into a bear cage. I'm still weighing all my options."

UNDERQUALIFIED MAN INTERVIEWS FOR BANK PRESIDENT JOB

Ever since he was a small child, all Richard Raney ever wanted to do when he grew up was work a fairly simple job that paid a lot of money. Late Thursday afternoon, Raney's dream came one step closer to fruition.

On only three hours of sleep due to excessive drinking the night before, Raney successfully completed his phone screen interview with human resources manager Caitlin Chalmers for the position of bank president at Silver Meadows Banking & Investment.

"I was really surprised when they called," said Raney, a 29-year-old part-time student at Oakview Community College. "To be honest, I don't even remember applying for that shit. I must have been really fucking high."

While in the middle of his drum solo for the game Rockband, Raney received a call from an unknown number. Despite hesitation early on due to recent prank calls alluding to the promiscuity of his mother from numerous unnamed sources, bass player Colin "The Cow" Hernandez persuaded his bandmate to answer the phone.

"I told him it was probably that fat chick from last night's bonfire," The Cow said. "It's been awhile since he's gotten any ass. Besides, he was about to fail out of Rush's 'Tom Sawyer.' That song's Goddamn impossible."

During their phone interview, Mrs. Chalmers realized she had, in fact, dialed the wrong Richard Raney. As chance would have it, there was yet another applicant by that same name, who, unlike the former Raney, had extensive banking and management experience. Those are candidates people in the industry secretly refer to as "qualified" or "not lazy fuck" applicants.

Shortly after learning of the mix-up, Chalmers remembered a meeting she had to attend, and politely excused herself from the call.

Although the 6-year Oakview student didn't receive an immediate offer for the position he never actually applied for, he was still optimistic about his chances for the job. Raney has even constructed a detailed business plan for his would-be employers.

"Yeah, first off, the ladies who interview people on the phone and stuff are totally getting, like, calenders, or those little notebooks with, like, dates in them or whatever. Second, I'm getting rid of that fee thing you get when you spend money you don't have. That thing's stupid. Third, I'm gonna make my brother Steve vice-president, cause he owns his own car, and not a lot of people can say that. Last but not least, they're gonna give me a Goddamn debit card. Who the fuck does ChexSystems think they are, sayin' I owe them money, or some shit? Fuck that shit. I don't owe them dick."

Although Raney believes the odds are still in his favor, he hasn't ruled out accepting a more lucrative deal from another company. After he finished his drum solo and smoked the remainder of his bowl, Raney immediately responded to a post on Craigs List for the job of "Telemarketing Management Representative" through a company that did not leave its name.

"This thing says I can make a hundred grand a month just taking surveys," Raney said as he re-loaded his pipe. "I'm really good at surveys, too. You should see my Myspace. It's awesome. Hey, I should probably put a link to it."

GEORGE CLOONEY DENIES KNOWINGLY USING HGH (HANDSOME GROWTH HORMONES)

Academy Award-winning actor and director George Clooney has been under heavy scrutiny this week after his indictment for illegally purchasing the controlled substance Handsome Growth Hormone, commonly referred to as HGH. Clooney denies knowingly purchasing the drug, claiming he thought it was a Vitamin C supplement, obtained due to the actor's inability to drink a substantial allotment of orange juice during his extremely hectic schedule of both making socially conscientious films and boning hairdressers.

The rumors of Clooney's involvement with the very good-looking drug began early last year on the set of his latest movie, "Leatherheads," when co-star John Krasinski asked him why he, himself, did not have a "leather head," despite the fact that he was in his early-fifties. Clooney responded to the question with a glibber quip than usual. He then ran into his trailer, and reportedly began preening his hair, not unlike a duck who'd just had an especially trying swim.

When word spread across the globe of his outburst, the former "E.R." and "E/R" star went on the entertainment magazine "Access Hollywood" and granted an exclusive interview to former celebrity washroom attendant Billy Bush.

After fielding 10 minutes worth of questions concerning how difficult it is being smart, attractive, and funny, Bush put forward the question on everyone's mind: "You didn't use HGH, did you?" Clooney responded with a faux, self-effacing laugh, shook his head no, and congratulated Bush on how brave he was for asking such a difficult question. The Q&A session ended with Mr. Clooney scratching behind a howling Billy Bush's ear, repeating "Good boy!" over and over again.

The controversy died down for a few months, until grand jury testimony from the WRINKNO trial was leaked last November, and the transcripts were posted on celebrity blogger Perez Hilton's website, with the court documents illustrated by white outlines of penises created in MS Paint.

On the stand, Clooney said for the first time publicly that he had, in fact, used HGH in the past, but that it was merely by accident, thinking the drug to be an antibiotic for an irritation caused by "a night auditor who lied about her medical history." Clooney then wagged his finger at the jury and decried the use of such "damaging yet sexually beneficial" pharmacueticals.

Congress has now stepped into the ordeal, and designated a committee to investigate George Clooney and his marvelous looks. The federal government has viewed HGH as a destructive and alluring enemy to the youth of America due to its ability to awaken the long-dormant "douchebag" gene that has infected millions of young men, ages 14-28. When HGH is taken by anyone within that age range, the gene will grow as large as a Blackberry, rendering anyone affected unable to follow simple office instructions or comprehend overdraft fees.

"Mr. Clooney fails to realize the impact his actions will have on our high schoolers, our college students, our high school dropouts, and our collegiate quitters," said committee chairman Dennis Krostof, 50, unflattering aged accurately. "They think they can take the drug and be just like George Clooney.

"What they don't understand is that [Clooney] worked very hard before becoming famous, and that life experience stunts the douchebag gene's growth. These kids haven't accumulated moral values or life lessons, and are doomed to become really, really big douchebags."

While HGH whispers continue to dog Clooney wherever he goes, the disarmingly beautiful thespian vows not to let the gossip deter him from maintaining his everyday, normal life. This September, he'll be starting production on a film concerning the ramifications still being felt from the Iran-Contra dispute, and this upcoming weekend, he'll be deflowering an Olive Garden hostess.

NEW YORKER DECLARES RACISM A FORM OF SATIRE

This weekend, the prestigious "New Yorker" magazine released a statement, declaring the act of racism as an affective and demographic-enticing form of comedy, replacing their old method, subtle references to social ideals and left-leaning opinions. To commemorate this change, the periodical placed a political cartoon on its front cover that featured Presidential candidate Barack Obama dressed as a Muslim who pounds fists with Black Panther and First Lady hopeful Michelle Obama.

"All of us at the 'New Yorker' are thrilled with the new direction," said Jennifer O'Keefe, public relations director. "With racism, the magazine can fully capitalize on securing its target goal, which is making other people feel inferior and shameful of things they can't control.

"Also, we believe we will be able to gain readership within previously unreachable audiences that want to oppress, but aren't sure how to start."

Reactions to the creative changes have been mixed. While some are worried the slant will cause an acceptance towards intolerance, others hope the slant will cause an acceptance towards intolerance.

"It's really quite a difficult spot to be in," said USC Sociology chair Lionel Winston. "On the one hand, this type of literature perpetuates the sort of negative connotations that the Civil Rights community has been fighting for decades. On the other hand, someone broke into my house last weekend, and the neighborhood has been getting, um, darker lately."

Both Senator Obama and wife Michelle vehemently chided the publication for its distasteful portrayal of "hateful stereotypes." Presidential rival John McCain condemned the article as well, stating the artists "could have easily used a more flattering Muslim uniform" and that Barack's spouse's hips were "not nearly that thin."

Despite the growing controversy, the "New Yorker" defends its decision, and plans even more blatant racism in the weeks to come.

"We've got an op-ed piece on Oprah Winfrey for next month," O'Keefe said while setting a cross on fire in southern Alabama, "and a designer who draws an out-of-this-world watermelon!"