Over the last several years, there have been an inordinate amount of classic television shows (and not-so-classic shows) that have been made into big-budget movies, with most of them failing to live up to their predecessor's success, both commercially and critically. It is with that idea that I constructed this list. Sure, some of the ideas seem a little unorthodox and ludicrous, but what I ask is that you, the reader, keep an open mind, because there's a decent chance they'd be a lot more entertaining than "Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas." With that said, let's get on with the list:
1) The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Bel-Air Under Siege.
Since "His Freshness" Will Smith left his alter ego "Will Smith," Will Smith has enjoyed rampant box-office success in a multitude of action-packed thrillers about aliens, gigantic mechanical spiders, and homeless vampire slayers who play matchmaker on the side. His track record is proven, and he's at that stage in his career where he can really make whatever vehicle he would like. Why not revisit wacky hi jinks and obvious double entendres?
In Bel-Air Under Siege, cousin Carlton Banks is a Republican senator from California who has just authored the "Anti-Terrorist" bill, which finally outlaws any act of global domination with a mandatory 5-year jail sentence and $20,000 fine. However, this new piece of legislation does not sit well with a man named Nozamed bin Fenir, who has spent his whole life pursuing his dream of destroying the United States. Fenir takes Carlton hostage, and the news spreads like wildfire across the country. While hitting on an attractive cheerleader at the ULA bookstore, assistant manager Will Smith hears about the kidnapping and darts over to the White House or Pentagon or some such place. With the help of wise-cracking sidekick Jazz and a giant tank he conveniently won at an Armed Forces auction, Will Smith defeats terrorism and gets the girl. Her name will be Tiffany, or something.
2) My Two Dads. In the slightly disgusting premise of My Two Dads, some lady dies who had slept with both Paul Reiser and a guy who may or may not have had a beard, and she's not sure which dude fathered her child. However, in this big-screen re-telling, it shouldn't be My Two Dads, but, like, My Eight Dads. And one of them will be evil. And one of them will be a scientist (it'll come in handy later). And one of them will be a colorful, fey, flamboyant man who no one questions as a possible impregnator. And one of them will be a robot (that's where that scientist will come in handy). There will be one "truly good" Dad that will have to save humanity, or, maybe, his possible daughter. I'm not sure from what yet. Oh,... let's say goblins.
3) Ellen. It's been 10 years since Ellen declared to the world her sexual preference, and we're all pretty much okay with it. That is, until some guy who's religious, played by, um, Tom Skeritt (or maybe Tom Berenger) stumbles upon her talk show where she talks about her engagement to Portia de Rossi, who happens to be a woman. Berenger's character is shocked that a woman would marry another woman, even though it's very, very legal. He, um, hires an orangutan to stop the wedding, or something, and then a pterodactyl (from the future) informs Skeritt of the error of his way. Also, the orangutan can talk, and Ellen tries to convince Portia it's a surprise party gone horribly awry.
4) According to Jim: The Movie. In the film, Jim Belushi talks for 90 minutes and no one laughs.
5) Dream On... It'd be just like the show, except the lead character, played by Brian Benben, would dream that he had a long-lost twin brother who was evil, and only Benben knew how to stop him. The brother would be named Nebneb. He has a plan to whisk away Benben's ex-wife under the guise that Nebneb is, actually, Benben. Then someone else with a ridiculous name dreams about a hot-air balloon race. And then Zach Braff from Scrubs has a daydream about nailing some skanks. Benben wakes up and realizes the movie isn't all that funny, but that people will still bring it up at the water cooler the next day just to make those without premium cable feel like inferior human beings. They'll try to talk about what they "watched" on PBS, but it'll be all for naught, because you can't BS what's on PBS. "Muppets," they'll say, and then the whole rouse will be blown.
6) This Week in Baseball. It'll be just like one of the old episodes of the classic baseball highlight show, only with Roger Twibell instead of Mel Allen, and no one instead of whomever got permission from Major League Baseball to rebroadcast baseball footage. The feds will go on a dogged pursuit of Twibell, and the head U.S. Marshall, played by John Leguizamo, will find Twibell hosting a really boring morning talk show in Kansas City, Kansas. Twibell will then grab an intern and threaten to give him a dull personality. Leguizamo steps in at the very last second and tells everyone how much of a dick John Stamos was on E.R., and Twibell drops his guard. To end the film, we'll get to see Omar Epps re-enact a home run robbing grab Twins outfielder Delmon Young made. Win!
7) Weekend Update: The Movie. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler read fake news for an hour and a half. It's kind of funny but drags on, until Norm MacDonald comes in and talks about Frank Stallone. Then, Frank Stallone comes in and talks about Sylvester Stallone. Then, Sylvester Stallone talks about Carl Weathers, but before he can finish, Weathers puts a $100,000 bounty on the head of Dolph Lundgren for "murdering" Weathers in Rocky 4. Lundgren pleads that he was playing a "fictional character," but that doesn't stop an angry mob from handcuffing him and chaining him to a pole. Lundgren charms a comely young lass into giving him the key to the cuffs. Lundgren then punches everyone in sight as if he were training on that "Soviet-A-Tron Punchmatic 4000" or whatever that thing was. Then, Weathers and Lundgren meet up in the studio, until Stallone (Frank) makes a speech that ends the Cold War, even though the Cold War already ended 20 years ago. And Norm will get fired again for not being funny, even though he's not on the cast. Then Amy Poehler will make a joke that's not really funny, but her delivery is, at best, "all right." Then the movie will end.
8) Speed Racer. It'll be very bright and flashy, and nothing like the TV show. Also, it will suck, and there'll be a monkey and John Goodman.
9) Two Guys, a Girl, a Pizza Place, and a Ice Cream Parlor. The guys realize that opening an ice cream parlor next door will help boost business tremendously, adding dessert to dinner. However, when their discount dairy turns out to be the expired milk from a calf suffering from mad cow disease, everyone becomes a zombie, and the guy who has a career will say something kind of funny. They'll flee zombies and then close the ice cream parlor, though the other guy will consider keeping it open because zombies tip well. He says it's because they "have no brains--why do you think they're always looking for some?" He's a money grubbing prick, and a zombie will murder him during the closing credits.
10) That 80s Show: The Movie. A bunch of people hang out in the 1980s. They do a bunch cocaine, become obsessed with money, wear leg-warmers, do that Jane Fonda workout, and don some sweet, faded denim jackets. Also, there'll be a special appearance by Fez! That 70s Show? Remember him? He was the foreign guy who was probably retarded? Only, in the 80s, he has a mohawk, and watches Growing Pains. You know, like in the 80s! They're all involved in a race to find a big bag of weed, and Cheech and Chong are competing, too, only when you watch it on TV, they're in search of "diamonds." Near the end of their journey, Mr. Belding from "Saved by the Bell" stops the kids and teaches them a valuable lesson about sharing. Then a space ship takes them away to Melmac, and Fez fucks Alf. Or maybe Alf fucks Fez. Either way, only one consented.
1) The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Bel-Air Under Siege.
Since "His Freshness" Will Smith left his alter ego "Will Smith," Will Smith has enjoyed rampant box-office success in a multitude of action-packed thrillers about aliens, gigantic mechanical spiders, and homeless vampire slayers who play matchmaker on the side. His track record is proven, and he's at that stage in his career where he can really make whatever vehicle he would like. Why not revisit wacky hi jinks and obvious double entendres?
In Bel-Air Under Siege, cousin Carlton Banks is a Republican senator from California who has just authored the "Anti-Terrorist" bill, which finally outlaws any act of global domination with a mandatory 5-year jail sentence and $20,000 fine. However, this new piece of legislation does not sit well with a man named Nozamed bin Fenir, who has spent his whole life pursuing his dream of destroying the United States. Fenir takes Carlton hostage, and the news spreads like wildfire across the country. While hitting on an attractive cheerleader at the ULA bookstore, assistant manager Will Smith hears about the kidnapping and darts over to the White House or Pentagon or some such place. With the help of wise-cracking sidekick Jazz and a giant tank he conveniently won at an Armed Forces auction, Will Smith defeats terrorism and gets the girl. Her name will be Tiffany, or something.
2) My Two Dads. In the slightly disgusting premise of My Two Dads, some lady dies who had slept with both Paul Reiser and a guy who may or may not have had a beard, and she's not sure which dude fathered her child. However, in this big-screen re-telling, it shouldn't be My Two Dads, but, like, My Eight Dads. And one of them will be evil. And one of them will be a scientist (it'll come in handy later). And one of them will be a colorful, fey, flamboyant man who no one questions as a possible impregnator. And one of them will be a robot (that's where that scientist will come in handy). There will be one "truly good" Dad that will have to save humanity, or, maybe, his possible daughter. I'm not sure from what yet. Oh,... let's say goblins.
3) Ellen. It's been 10 years since Ellen declared to the world her sexual preference, and we're all pretty much okay with it. That is, until some guy who's religious, played by, um, Tom Skeritt (or maybe Tom Berenger) stumbles upon her talk show where she talks about her engagement to Portia de Rossi, who happens to be a woman. Berenger's character is shocked that a woman would marry another woman, even though it's very, very legal. He, um, hires an orangutan to stop the wedding, or something, and then a pterodactyl (from the future) informs Skeritt of the error of his way. Also, the orangutan can talk, and Ellen tries to convince Portia it's a surprise party gone horribly awry.
4) According to Jim: The Movie. In the film, Jim Belushi talks for 90 minutes and no one laughs.
5) Dream On... It'd be just like the show, except the lead character, played by Brian Benben, would dream that he had a long-lost twin brother who was evil, and only Benben knew how to stop him. The brother would be named Nebneb. He has a plan to whisk away Benben's ex-wife under the guise that Nebneb is, actually, Benben. Then someone else with a ridiculous name dreams about a hot-air balloon race. And then Zach Braff from Scrubs has a daydream about nailing some skanks. Benben wakes up and realizes the movie isn't all that funny, but that people will still bring it up at the water cooler the next day just to make those without premium cable feel like inferior human beings. They'll try to talk about what they "watched" on PBS, but it'll be all for naught, because you can't BS what's on PBS. "Muppets," they'll say, and then the whole rouse will be blown.
6) This Week in Baseball. It'll be just like one of the old episodes of the classic baseball highlight show, only with Roger Twibell instead of Mel Allen, and no one instead of whomever got permission from Major League Baseball to rebroadcast baseball footage. The feds will go on a dogged pursuit of Twibell, and the head U.S. Marshall, played by John Leguizamo, will find Twibell hosting a really boring morning talk show in Kansas City, Kansas. Twibell will then grab an intern and threaten to give him a dull personality. Leguizamo steps in at the very last second and tells everyone how much of a dick John Stamos was on E.R., and Twibell drops his guard. To end the film, we'll get to see Omar Epps re-enact a home run robbing grab Twins outfielder Delmon Young made. Win!
7) Weekend Update: The Movie. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler read fake news for an hour and a half. It's kind of funny but drags on, until Norm MacDonald comes in and talks about Frank Stallone. Then, Frank Stallone comes in and talks about Sylvester Stallone. Then, Sylvester Stallone talks about Carl Weathers, but before he can finish, Weathers puts a $100,000 bounty on the head of Dolph Lundgren for "murdering" Weathers in Rocky 4. Lundgren pleads that he was playing a "fictional character," but that doesn't stop an angry mob from handcuffing him and chaining him to a pole. Lundgren charms a comely young lass into giving him the key to the cuffs. Lundgren then punches everyone in sight as if he were training on that "Soviet-A-Tron Punchmatic 4000" or whatever that thing was. Then, Weathers and Lundgren meet up in the studio, until Stallone (Frank) makes a speech that ends the Cold War, even though the Cold War already ended 20 years ago. And Norm will get fired again for not being funny, even though he's not on the cast. Then Amy Poehler will make a joke that's not really funny, but her delivery is, at best, "all right." Then the movie will end.
8) Speed Racer. It'll be very bright and flashy, and nothing like the TV show. Also, it will suck, and there'll be a monkey and John Goodman.
9) Two Guys, a Girl, a Pizza Place, and a Ice Cream Parlor. The guys realize that opening an ice cream parlor next door will help boost business tremendously, adding dessert to dinner. However, when their discount dairy turns out to be the expired milk from a calf suffering from mad cow disease, everyone becomes a zombie, and the guy who has a career will say something kind of funny. They'll flee zombies and then close the ice cream parlor, though the other guy will consider keeping it open because zombies tip well. He says it's because they "have no brains--why do you think they're always looking for some?" He's a money grubbing prick, and a zombie will murder him during the closing credits.
10) That 80s Show: The Movie. A bunch of people hang out in the 1980s. They do a bunch cocaine, become obsessed with money, wear leg-warmers, do that Jane Fonda workout, and don some sweet, faded denim jackets. Also, there'll be a special appearance by Fez! That 70s Show? Remember him? He was the foreign guy who was probably retarded? Only, in the 80s, he has a mohawk, and watches Growing Pains. You know, like in the 80s! They're all involved in a race to find a big bag of weed, and Cheech and Chong are competing, too, only when you watch it on TV, they're in search of "diamonds." Near the end of their journey, Mr. Belding from "Saved by the Bell" stops the kids and teaches them a valuable lesson about sharing. Then a space ship takes them away to Melmac, and Fez fucks Alf. Or maybe Alf fucks Fez. Either way, only one consented.
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