Do you get it, you little bitches? It's like Matthew McConaughey, but I put GAY at the end to let you know this column is from the perspective of a flamboyant homosexual man who desperately wants to be accepted by Hollywood, but gets his feelings hurt quickly and doesn't know how to handle his shunning from big-time celebrities with grace and sophistication. That said,...
WHAT'S CRIZZAPPININ', my little McConaugaytians?!! This is your number one source for news no one cares about! I've been stalking people who star in movies all week to give you the "411, dial #, then *" on all your favorite actors when they're doing things during their private moments. You' privates ain't so private no mo', honey! Here's all the poop u can scoop!
-According to inside sources, it looks like CRASHlee Simpson is about to drop her baby like it's hot at a HOspital near you, if the price is right. Reportedly, CRASHlee is holding an online auction for her fans (All 4 of them--I'm such a bitch!). The highest bidder gets to decide which HOspital she'll deliver her new unborn child at. Hope it's not in the valley!
-Jennifer ASSiston (she totally looks like a man even though she looks like a woman) and John GAYer (we totally made out once--please read my desperate pleas) were reportedly seen kissing in the middle of ASSiston's bedroom. Y'all better get a room next time!
-In boring shizz newz, Barack OBORA was seen giving a speech on the pros and cons of Affirmative Action in a Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania coal mine. Better bring a coat! And lose the tie, already! That is SO Alex P. Keaton!
-Mary-Kate Olson was seen throwing away a cup of coffee after only 20 SIPS!!! Waste not, want not, you skinny bitch!
-Former Roseanne star Sara Gilbert was seen over the weekend shopping for "groceries" with her "sister" Melissa Gilbert. Uh-huh, girl! Who you foolin'?? What would John Goodman say?!!
-In her blog late last night, Lindsey LaLaLaLezHOhan wrote about how she's fighting to stay sober, and that every day clean makes her feel like a much more balanced human being. Whatever you say, slut!
-Hard PAAAAAAAAAArtying "singer" Lily Allen walked her dog Thursday afternoon. What a stupid cunt whore bitch!
-SNL star Maya Rudolph did a sketch where she played a mildly retarded woman in an awkward situation. That'll show 'em!
-Madonna swam laps early Tuesday morning at her swanky upscale Manhattan gym. You work that thing, honey!
-Former Batman Forever studmuffin turned crudmuffin Val KILLMEr had lunch at La Burrito Bon late Sunday afternoon, and looked a little chunky eating his tuna sandwich. Yuck! Tuna is for heterosexuals and lesbians ONLY!
-And finally, in sad news, Hills star Lauren Conrad was seen leaving St. Lukes HOspital, according to McConaugaytians who were at the scene. According to her family, she was there to witness the "birth" of her nephew. Um, we call bullshit on that one! We hear she was there for thigh implants, outpatient methampthetamine rehabilitation, and to mourn the passing of the great-aunt Ida.
Stay strong, you slutty whore.
Well, that's all I have this week, dirty bitches! I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to cut the ribbon at the new P.F. Changs in Alhambra.
Loves and kisses,
xoxoxoxoxo
The McConaugay!!!
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