Academy Award-winning actor and director George Clooney has been under heavy scrutiny this week after his indictment for illegally purchasing the controlled substance Handsome Growth Hormone, commonly referred to as HGH. Clooney denies knowingly purchasing the drug, claiming he thought it was a Vitamin C supplement, obtained due to the actor's inability to drink a substantial allotment of orange juice during his extremely hectic schedule of both making socially conscientious films and boning hairdressers.
The rumors of Clooney's involvement with the very good-looking drug began early last year on the set of his latest movie, "Leatherheads," when co-star John Krasinski asked him why he, himself, did not have a "leather head," despite the fact that he was in his early-fifties. Clooney responded to the question with a glibber quip than usual. He then ran into his trailer, and reportedly began preening his hair, not unlike a duck who'd just had an especially trying swim.
When word spread across the globe of his outburst, the former "E.R." and "E/R" star went on the entertainment magazine "Access Hollywood" and granted an exclusive interview to former celebrity washroom attendant Billy Bush.
After fielding 10 minutes worth of questions concerning how difficult it is being smart, attractive, and funny, Bush put forward the question on everyone's mind: "You didn't use HGH, did you?" Clooney responded with a faux, self-effacing laugh, shook his head no, and congratulated Bush on how brave he was for asking such a difficult question. The Q&A session ended with Mr. Clooney scratching behind a howling Billy Bush's ear, repeating "Good boy!" over and over again.
The controversy died down for a few months, until grand jury testimony from the WRINKNO trial was leaked last November, and the transcripts were posted on celebrity blogger Perez Hilton's website, with the court documents illustrated by white outlines of penises created in MS Paint.
On the stand, Clooney said for the first time publicly that he had, in fact, used HGH in the past, but that it was merely by accident, thinking the drug to be an antibiotic for an irritation caused by "a night auditor who lied about her medical history." Clooney then wagged his finger at the jury and decried the use of such "damaging yet sexually beneficial" pharmacueticals.
Congress has now stepped into the ordeal, and designated a committee to investigate George Clooney and his marvelous looks. The federal government has viewed HGH as a destructive and alluring enemy to the youth of America due to its ability to awaken the long-dormant "douchebag" gene that has infected millions of young men, ages 14-28. When HGH is taken by anyone within that age range, the gene will grow as large as a Blackberry, rendering anyone affected unable to follow simple office instructions or comprehend overdraft fees.
"Mr. Clooney fails to realize the impact his actions will have on our high schoolers, our college students, our high school dropouts, and our collegiate quitters," said committee chairman Dennis Krostof, 50, unflattering aged accurately. "They think they can take the drug and be just like George Clooney.
"What they don't understand is that [Clooney] worked very hard before becoming famous, and that life experience stunts the douchebag gene's growth. These kids haven't accumulated moral values or life lessons, and are doomed to become really, really big douchebags."
While HGH whispers continue to dog Clooney wherever he goes, the disarmingly beautiful thespian vows not to let the gossip deter him from maintaining his everyday, normal life. This September, he'll be starting production on a film concerning the ramifications still being felt from the Iran-Contra dispute, and this upcoming weekend, he'll be deflowering an Olive Garden hostess.
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