Often here at "Fake News and Notes," we're afforded the opportunity to interview people we've never heard of before. Today, we were lucky enough to sit down with someone named "Dustin Diamond," who is here to promote something called the "Screech Toilet Plunger 4000." Although we're not sure exactly why all of those words are put together for this product, we decided to find out from the man, himself, Mr. Dustin Diamond.
Fake News: Thank you for joining us today, Mr... is it Diamond?
Dustin Diamond: Of course it's Diamond. I'm Dustin Diamond, for God's sake!
FN: Okay, excellent, Mr. Diamond! My first question for you is, what exactly is a "Screech Toilet Plunger," and what does the "4000" imply?
DD: That's an excellent question. You see, the "Screech Toilet Plunger 4000" is the latest innovation in toilet cleaning products! Oh, man, it's really something! All you have to do is put this tiny little foam "Screech Head" into your toilet.
FN: Okay. Excellent. What does the "Screech Head" do, exactly?
DD: Well,... it cleans your toilet.
FN: Right, I understand that it cleans the bowl, but I'm just asking how it actually cleans it. If you could describe how it functions, I think that would really help entice our readers into purchasing your product.
DD: Um,... it removes the shit.
FN: How does it remove residue?
DD: Look, pal, it doesn't remove residue, whatever that is. It cleans up shit.
FN: Again, I know what it's supposed to do after everything is said and done, but I was just hoping to get a little explanation. You know, like with a toilet scrubber, you wouldn't just say it "Gets rid of waste."
DD: Why not?
FN: Well, I mean, sure, you could say that, but to someone who, for a far-reaching example, didn't understand any English, telling them something cleans a surface without explaining how it cl--
DD: Why would you be speaking English to someone who doesn't know any English?
FN: No, I'm saying... Never mind. Say, how did you come up with the name "Screech Toilet Plunger 4000?" That's very exotic.
DD: Well, duh, dude, of course I'm going to call it the "Screech." I mean, it's just common sense to name the product after the most popular character in the history of television.
FN: Archie Bunker?
DD: No! Screech! Screech Powers!
FN: What's "Screech Power?"
DD: My role on "Saved by the Bell," fucktard! Haven't you ever owned a fucking television?!! Haven't you ever watched Saturday morning cartoons?
FN: Oh, was Screech the name of an animated raccoon or something?
DD: No, he was the nerdy but lovable best friend to Zack Morris and A.C. Slater. This is the show that put Mario Lopez on the map!
FN: Is he any relation to George Lopez? I've heard of his show.
DD: You know, you're a fucking idiot, dude!
FN: Does your plunger come with a warranty?
DD: No.
FN: What if it doesn't work?
DD: It'll fucking work, dude.
FN: Well, yeah, probably, but nothing's perfect.
DD: Well, yeah, except my product is perfect. Fuck a warranty. Fuck you.
FN: How much does your plunger cost?
DD: $89.99, plus shipping and handling and servicing fees.
FN: What exactly does the servicing fee entail?
DD: Oh, what the fuck? What do you think it "entails?"
FN: I really don't know.
DD: If you don't know, maybe you're too stupid to have one. Give me back your complimentary toilet plunger.
FN: I never got one.
DD: Bullshit!
FN: No, I never got one. My producer kept asking your girlfriend/manager for one to use for a demonstration, and she kept saying she couldn't give us one.
DD: If you don't give that back to Screech Co. Incorporated, I'm gonna sue your ass for insubordination.
FN: I don't think that's actually ins--
DD: And malpractice. And grand larceny.
FN: I think you're just throwing random terms out now...
DD: And a federal judiciary.
FN: Again, I'd like to thank our guest today, Dustin Diamond. Check out his website, http://www.screeched.biz/, to learn more information on his "Screech Toilet Plunger 4000." Are people able to obtain earlier models such as the 2000 or 3000?
DD: Go fuck yourself.
FN: Thanks again, Dustin.
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