Late this afternoon, while on flight to a Red Robin opening in Ames, Iowa, celebrity blogger Perez Hilton received an e-mail he simply could not ignore. The message was written in all caps, and came from Hilton's most valuable resource, a photographer who goes by the handle, "LindsayLoHACK." When he first read the piece of mail, Hilton simply could not believe it was true. Later, sadly he learned the truth: Lindsay Lohan was walking down the street, and he had the photo that would prove it.
"When I first heard the news, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" said Hilton after taking a few quick breaths. "My initial thought was, I mean, 'What a stupid bitch!'
"I mean, seriously, you guys, what right does Lindsay Lohan have to take a walk? She hasn't been in a good movie in, like, 5 years, her songs are shit, and she was in rehab 5 times last year! When are people going to stop letting that LoWHORE take walks and eat food and shop for clothes? I mean, what the fuck, y'all?!!"
After landing at the Des Moines airport, Hilton made several phone calls to various paparazzi friends in Beverly Hills and Hollywood, which confirmed the story. Hilton then immediately called the Red Robin, told the proprietor to "fuck himself" and cancelled. Hilton boarded the next available flight back to LA, but not before encountering some obstacles.
Hilton was told that buying a day-off flight would cost roughly $600 since he had made no previous reservations. Mr. Hilton greeted this news with anger, and, after calling the customer service representative a "stupid cunt twat," demanded to speak with her manager. When told that she was, in fact, a manager as well, Hilton shouted the words, "But I'm Perez Hilton! Perez Hilton! Perez Fucking Hilton, the greatest celebrity blogger in the world!" until security finally came over and tasered the scribe. After waking from his unconscious state, Hilton was faced with a dilemma.
"After that stupid whore told me I couldn't board a fucking plane, I had to figure out what I was going to do," said Hilton as he adjusted the ice pack on his tasered neck. "Was there a way for me to write this story if I wasn't in LA? Is there a way for me to tell the world Lindsay Lohan went for a walk while stuck in this shitty piece of shit shithole?"
Fortunately for Hilton, he found a way. After taking a seat in a "third-rate" Panera Bread, Hilton opened up his laptop, and, thanks to the free Wi-Fi provided by that particular bakery, was able to open up his Lohan e-mail. He then found the photo of Lohan walking, and, using MS Paint, wrote the word "TWAT WHORE BITCH" next to her name, along with a penis shooting ejaculate into her mouth.
Although this particular incident had a positive outcome, Hilton has learned a valuable lesson. In order to insure that this sort of mix-up never happens again, the Internet A-lister vows to sell enough pink T-shirts at Hot Topic to buy his own jumbo jet, which he plans to call the "Sassplane 69."
"Never again will I, Perez Hilton, be subject to the rigors and douchebaggery that accompany commercial airline travel. Having to pay a lot of money for a same day plane ticket just because I scheduled horribly and wanted to go somewhere immediately that I really didn't need to go to? I don't think so, honey! I'm Perez, bitches! My fifteen minutes of fame still has 14 seconds left! I ain't payin' shit!"
No comments:
Post a Comment