Ever since he was a small child, all Richard Raney ever wanted to do when he grew up was work a fairly simple job that paid a lot of money. Late Thursday afternoon, Raney's dream came one step closer to fruition.
On only three hours of sleep due to excessive drinking the night before, Raney successfully completed his phone screen interview with human resources manager Caitlin Chalmers for the position of bank president at Silver Meadows Banking & Investment.
"I was really surprised when they called," said Raney, a 29-year-old part-time student at Oakview Community College. "To be honest, I don't even remember applying for that shit. I must have been really fucking high."
While in the middle of his drum solo for the game Rockband, Raney received a call from an unknown number. Despite hesitation early on due to recent prank calls alluding to the promiscuity of his mother from numerous unnamed sources, bass player Colin "The Cow" Hernandez persuaded his bandmate to answer the phone.
"I told him it was probably that fat chick from last night's bonfire," The Cow said. "It's been awhile since he's gotten any ass. Besides, he was about to fail out of Rush's 'Tom Sawyer.' That song's Goddamn impossible."
During their phone interview, Mrs. Chalmers realized she had, in fact, dialed the wrong Richard Raney. As chance would have it, there was yet another applicant by that same name, who, unlike the former Raney, had extensive banking and management experience. Those are candidates people in the industry secretly refer to as "qualified" or "not lazy fuck" applicants.
Shortly after learning of the mix-up, Chalmers remembered a meeting she had to attend, and politely excused herself from the call.
Although the 6-year Oakview student didn't receive an immediate offer for the position he never actually applied for, he was still optimistic about his chances for the job. Raney has even constructed a detailed business plan for his would-be employers.
"Yeah, first off, the ladies who interview people on the phone and stuff are totally getting, like, calenders, or those little notebooks with, like, dates in them or whatever. Second, I'm getting rid of that fee thing you get when you spend money you don't have. That thing's stupid. Third, I'm gonna make my brother Steve vice-president, cause he owns his own car, and not a lot of people can say that. Last but not least, they're gonna give me a Goddamn debit card. Who the fuck does ChexSystems think they are, sayin' I owe them money, or some shit? Fuck that shit. I don't owe them dick."
Although Raney believes the odds are still in his favor, he hasn't ruled out accepting a more lucrative deal from another company. After he finished his drum solo and smoked the remainder of his bowl, Raney immediately responded to a post on Craigs List for the job of "Telemarketing Management Representative" through a company that did not leave its name.
"This thing says I can make a hundred grand a month just taking surveys," Raney said as he re-loaded his pipe. "I'm really good at surveys, too. You should see my Myspace. It's awesome. Hey, I should probably put a link to it."
1 comment:
That is one handsome dude smoking that french fry.
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