HOMELESS MAN SCREAMS VULGARITIES AT ME, A REPORTER

By Dale Sorenson, prize-winning reporter

As Dale Sorenson, who happens to be myself, woke up this morning, he (who is actually myself) had no idea his (my) story on the recent vandalism at Hopkins Middle School in North Kansas City, Missouri would lead to such a vast and overwhelming development concerning the improper words and actions of the homeless population in the Midwest metropolitan landscape.

While interviewing assistant principal David Wright, Sorenson (which is my last name) heard a gentleman in his mid-fifties, African-American, with a patchwork beard, beady, blue eyes, and a well-worn novelty army jacket, shouting curse words, such as "Pussy Ass White Bitch!" and "Bitch Ass White Pussy!" Sorenson (still me) briefly excused himself from Wright, walked right up to the man, and, standing squarely in his line of sight, asked him why he was saying such hurtful, intolerant words.

"I simply asked the man why he had to use such foul language," Sorenson said, speaking through myself, since I am him. "He then called me a pussy bitch again, and pulled out a rusty knife--no. Scratch that. It was a rusty sword, and the man said it gave him powers."

The homeless man, who refused to give a name he may or may not have ever been given, then threatened to stab Dr. Sorenson (I have a doctorate in journalism) with his "magic wang" unless the reporter (which is Dr. Sorenson, which is still myself) gave him all of his money. After considering the outrage on the street and the overall evil Sorenson was faced with, the hero (which is me, because I'm a hero in this tale) grabbed the broad end of the sword, swung it in the air, and pointed his (my) weapon sharply at his foe.

"'No longer will the streets have to fear cowards like you!'" I bravely exclaimed while pressing record on my tape recorder. "For I, Channel 4 Action News Reporter Dale Sorenson have saved the day from the dregs of society yet again! Fear not, white collar fan base and blue collar civilians!"

The homeless man began sobbing, soiled himself, and ran off into the night, where sources later said he shot up a great deal of heroin and died, never to be heard from again. Dale Sorenson (Doctor Dale Sorenson) was awarded not just the Congressional medal of honor, but high praise from his (my) interview subject, David White (possibly David Wright).

"Dr. Sorenson is the real hero today," Wright said while shining the good doctor's shoes. "He truly is a real-life Batman, only he doesn't need a mask like that freak sissy."

Sorenson, who also goes under the name of "Tony Gonzalez, All-Pro Kansas City Chiefs Tight End," also learned the identity of the vandalism culprits, placed a citizen's arrest on them, and tried their case, convicted them of second degree arson despite a complete absence of both evidence and fires. Sorenson (still me) will be making a public appearance at his (my) local Barnes and Noble to recite passages from his new book, "Hero Time." What a great man Dr. Dale Sorenson is (who, let's not forget, happens to be me).