I BEAT UP A PUSSY ASS REPORTER DUDE

Yeah, I beat the FUCK outta some lil' bitch. He was all talkin' shit about me to some du'e, and I was like, "What the fuck you sayin' 'bout me, man?" And he's all like, "I'm sorry, here's twenty dollahs." Fuck that, bitch! I don't want your fuckin' money! I just wanna beat the pussy ass outta yo' pussy face.

He's on the ground, like, "Don't hurt me, sir! Please don't hurt me!" I hit that bitch ONCE and he went down, cryin' and shit, like, "Don't tell anybody! Please don't tell anybody!" He was on the ground for, like, 5 minutes or some shit, and then he limped his bitch ass up and shuffled off.

I saw his bitch face in the paper today, and I was like, "I am gonna fuck that bitch UP!" Nah, that ain't cool. Plus, he ain't 'posed to use first person in a fucking news article and shit. And wasn't he from a TV station? Why the fuck was he writing a damn article for a damn paper? That shit don't make sense. Hey, at least I'll say this is an editorial and shit.

Oh, and one more thing--I ain't homeless. I'm young and I'm black. We're not all homeless. He even got the fuckin' stereotype wrong. Nobody talkin' about young black people bein' homeless. The correct stereotype is that we all drug dealers. I ain't one of 'em, either. I was just takin' a walk 'cuz I didn't want to go to the gym or nothin' today, and some white du'e talkin' shit. What the fuck? I ain't got no fuckin' sword, bitch! Fuckin' crazy ass stupid pussy ass ho bitch!

HOMELESS MAN SCREAMS VULGARITIES AT ME, A REPORTER

By Dale Sorenson, prize-winning reporter

As Dale Sorenson, who happens to be myself, woke up this morning, he (who is actually myself) had no idea his (my) story on the recent vandalism at Hopkins Middle School in North Kansas City, Missouri would lead to such a vast and overwhelming development concerning the improper words and actions of the homeless population in the Midwest metropolitan landscape.

While interviewing assistant principal David Wright, Sorenson (which is my last name) heard a gentleman in his mid-fifties, African-American, with a patchwork beard, beady, blue eyes, and a well-worn novelty army jacket, shouting curse words, such as "Pussy Ass White Bitch!" and "Bitch Ass White Pussy!" Sorenson (still me) briefly excused himself from Wright, walked right up to the man, and, standing squarely in his line of sight, asked him why he was saying such hurtful, intolerant words.

"I simply asked the man why he had to use such foul language," Sorenson said, speaking through myself, since I am him. "He then called me a pussy bitch again, and pulled out a rusty knife--no. Scratch that. It was a rusty sword, and the man said it gave him powers."

The homeless man, who refused to give a name he may or may not have ever been given, then threatened to stab Dr. Sorenson (I have a doctorate in journalism) with his "magic wang" unless the reporter (which is Dr. Sorenson, which is still myself) gave him all of his money. After considering the outrage on the street and the overall evil Sorenson was faced with, the hero (which is me, because I'm a hero in this tale) grabbed the broad end of the sword, swung it in the air, and pointed his (my) weapon sharply at his foe.

"'No longer will the streets have to fear cowards like you!'" I bravely exclaimed while pressing record on my tape recorder. "For I, Channel 4 Action News Reporter Dale Sorenson have saved the day from the dregs of society yet again! Fear not, white collar fan base and blue collar civilians!"

The homeless man began sobbing, soiled himself, and ran off into the night, where sources later said he shot up a great deal of heroin and died, never to be heard from again. Dale Sorenson (Doctor Dale Sorenson) was awarded not just the Congressional medal of honor, but high praise from his (my) interview subject, David White (possibly David Wright).

"Dr. Sorenson is the real hero today," Wright said while shining the good doctor's shoes. "He truly is a real-life Batman, only he doesn't need a mask like that freak sissy."

Sorenson, who also goes under the name of "Tony Gonzalez, All-Pro Kansas City Chiefs Tight End," also learned the identity of the vandalism culprits, placed a citizen's arrest on them, and tried their case, convicted them of second degree arson despite a complete absence of both evidence and fires. Sorenson (still me) will be making a public appearance at his (my) local Barnes and Noble to recite passages from his new book, "Hero Time." What a great man Dr. Dale Sorenson is (who, let's not forget, happens to be me).

PEREZ HILTON SAYS SOMETHING MEAN ABOUT LINDSAY LOHAN

Late this afternoon, while on flight to a Red Robin opening in Ames, Iowa, celebrity blogger Perez Hilton received an e-mail he simply could not ignore. The message was written in all caps, and came from Hilton's most valuable resource, a photographer who goes by the handle, "LindsayLoHACK." When he first read the piece of mail, Hilton simply could not believe it was true. Later, sadly he learned the truth: Lindsay Lohan was walking down the street, and he had the photo that would prove it.

"When I first heard the news, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" said Hilton after taking a few quick breaths. "My initial thought was, I mean, 'What a stupid bitch!'

"I mean, seriously, you guys, what right does Lindsay Lohan have to take a walk? She hasn't been in a good movie in, like, 5 years, her songs are shit, and she was in rehab 5 times last year! When are people going to stop letting that LoWHORE take walks and eat food and shop for clothes? I mean, what the fuck, y'all?!!"

After landing at the Des Moines airport, Hilton made several phone calls to various paparazzi friends in Beverly Hills and Hollywood, which confirmed the story. Hilton then immediately called the Red Robin, told the proprietor to "fuck himself" and cancelled. Hilton boarded the next available flight back to LA, but not before encountering some obstacles.

Hilton was told that buying a day-off flight would cost roughly $600 since he had made no previous reservations. Mr. Hilton greeted this news with anger, and, after calling the customer service representative a "stupid cunt twat," demanded to speak with her manager. When told that she was, in fact, a manager as well, Hilton shouted the words, "But I'm Perez Hilton! Perez Hilton! Perez Fucking Hilton, the greatest celebrity blogger in the world!" until security finally came over and tasered the scribe. After waking from his unconscious state, Hilton was faced with a dilemma.

"After that stupid whore told me I couldn't board a fucking plane, I had to figure out what I was going to do," said Hilton as he adjusted the ice pack on his tasered neck. "Was there a way for me to write this story if I wasn't in LA? Is there a way for me to tell the world Lindsay Lohan went for a walk while stuck in this shitty piece of shit shithole?"

Fortunately for Hilton, he found a way. After taking a seat in a "third-rate" Panera Bread, Hilton opened up his laptop, and, thanks to the free Wi-Fi provided by that particular bakery, was able to open up his Lohan e-mail. He then found the photo of Lohan walking, and, using MS Paint, wrote the word "TWAT WHORE BITCH" next to her name, along with a penis shooting ejaculate into her mouth.

Although this particular incident had a positive outcome, Hilton has learned a valuable lesson. In order to insure that this sort of mix-up never happens again, the Internet A-lister vows to sell enough pink T-shirts at Hot Topic to buy his own jumbo jet, which he plans to call the "Sassplane 69."

"Never again will I, Perez Hilton, be subject to the rigors and douchebaggery that accompany commercial airline travel. Having to pay a lot of money for a same day plane ticket just because I scheduled horribly and wanted to go somewhere immediately that I really didn't need to go to? I don't think so, honey! I'm Perez, bitches! My fifteen minutes of fame still has 14 seconds left! I ain't payin' shit!"

PREGNANT WOMAN GIVES BIRTH

By Josh Hartnett, with help from ABC News, The Huffington Post, TMZ, and the masses.

This story originally appeared on "The Huffington Post." All changes made have been typed in bold print.

ABC News is reporting that Melissa Cassaday, also known as "The Pregnant Woman", gave birth today to a healthy baby girl. The pregnant woman's baby's (gramatical error) name has not yet been released.

Melissa Cassaday, who is not being touted as the world's first pregnant woman, was born a woman. While she has not had her (probably--I lost track ed.) breasts removed and is legally a woman, her vagina is still intact.

Initial reports said that Melissa Cassaday had planned on a cesarean birth, but according to ABC News, the pregnant woman has not yet revealed how she delivered the baby.

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting that pregnant woman Melissa Cassaday gave birth via C-section, while ABC News is claims that "that earlier reports that Cassaday had planned a cesarean (spelling error) section are false" and the birth was "natural."

2nd UPDATE: People.com is reporting that, "despite previously published reports, Melissa Cassaday says the baby was not delivered via C-section."

TMZ isn't hearing the whole thing was totally cloak and dagger. She checked into the hospital in Bend, Ore. under a fake name after going into labor early Monday morning and her room was sealed off, away from other expectant moms.

The birth of her daughter will presumably be a crucial aspect of Melissa Cassaday's memoir, titled "LOVE MAKES A FAMILY: A Memoir of Hardship, Healing and an Extraordinary Pregnancy, Not Unlike Most Pregnancies That Involve a Woman Being Pregnant."

OVERWEIGHT MAN EATS LARGER PORTION OF MEAL THAN ANTICIPATED

When Daniel Rogers arrived at his near-by Cracker-barrel late Sunday morning, he knew this wasn't going to be an average, everyday meal. That is to say, it wasn't going to be a physically fit man's average, everyday meal.

For more than 32 years now, Daniel has been eating larger portions than most men his height. This is no small feat, especially in the health conscious world that America has strived for the last 30 some-odd years.

"I've never seen myself as a follower," Rogers said while dipping a corn chip in gravy and hot sauce. "No nutritionist should be allowed to say what is physically fit and what is morbidly obese."

Rogers had already finished three scrambled eggs, two slices of ham, four strips of bacon, and three Belgian waffles when his waitress, Carla Reynolds, came by and asked him if he was ready for the check.

"I was absolutely shocked," said Rogers after sucking leftover gravy hot sauce off his plate with an over-sized Daffy Duck straw. "To assume that I was ready to stop eating is extremely presumptuous and intolerant.

"What if I was diabetic and need blood sugar, or insulin, or whatever diabetic people use, and more food was the only way to keep me from having a stroke? She could have killed me. Right?"

After declining the check, Rogers ordered a Denver Omelet and a sampler. Thwarted in her quest, Reynolds placed her customer's order and delivered his food in a timely fashion, attempting to table the issue.

"I admit now that I was wrong," Reynolds would later reveal. "I absolutely overstepped my boundaries and, from this day on, will never assume a guest is done eating simply because he's completed a well-balanced meal."

The rest of Rogers's breakfast continued without incident, and, after digesting a cinnamon roll 45 minutes later, politely asked for his check, along with a to-go order of 5 silver dollar pancakes.

Despite all of the ugliness that occurred at his local eatery, Rogers vows that this incident would not hinder him from making future visits to the popular breakfast chain.

"Hey, things happen," Rogers said while removing part of a stick of butter from his Tabasco-stained moo-moo. "If I stopped eating at every restaurant that prematurely asked me if I was finished with my meal, I would would be a much thinner man. No one wants that."

INTERVIEW WITH SOME GUY FROM SOMETHING CALLED "SAVED BY THE BELL"

Often here at "Fake News and Notes," we're afforded the opportunity to interview people we've never heard of before. Today, we were lucky enough to sit down with someone named "Dustin Diamond," who is here to promote something called the "Screech Toilet Plunger 4000." Although we're not sure exactly why all of those words are put together for this product, we decided to find out from the man, himself, Mr. Dustin Diamond.

Fake News: Thank you for joining us today, Mr... is it Diamond?

Dustin Diamond: Of course it's Diamond. I'm Dustin Diamond, for God's sake!

FN: Okay, excellent, Mr. Diamond! My first question for you is, what exactly is a "Screech Toilet Plunger," and what does the "4000" imply?

DD: That's an excellent question. You see, the "Screech Toilet Plunger 4000" is the latest innovation in toilet cleaning products! Oh, man, it's really something! All you have to do is put this tiny little foam "Screech Head" into your toilet.

FN: Okay. Excellent. What does the "Screech Head" do, exactly?

DD: Well,... it cleans your toilet.

FN: Right, I understand that it cleans the bowl, but I'm just asking how it actually cleans it. If you could describe how it functions, I think that would really help entice our readers into purchasing your product.

DD: Um,... it removes the shit.

FN: How does it remove residue?

DD: Look, pal, it doesn't remove residue, whatever that is. It cleans up shit.

FN: Again, I know what it's supposed to do after everything is said and done, but I was just hoping to get a little explanation. You know, like with a toilet scrubber, you wouldn't just say it "Gets rid of waste."

DD: Why not?

FN: Well, I mean, sure, you could say that, but to someone who, for a far-reaching example, didn't understand any English, telling them something cleans a surface without explaining how it cl--

DD: Why would you be speaking English to someone who doesn't know any English?

FN: No, I'm saying... Never mind. Say, how did you come up with the name "Screech Toilet Plunger 4000?" That's very exotic.

DD: Well, duh, dude, of course I'm going to call it the "Screech." I mean, it's just common sense to name the product after the most popular character in the history of television.

FN: Archie Bunker?

DD: No! Screech! Screech Powers!

FN: What's "Screech Power?"

DD: My role on "Saved by the Bell," fucktard! Haven't you ever owned a fucking television?!! Haven't you ever watched Saturday morning cartoons?

FN: Oh, was Screech the name of an animated raccoon or something?

DD: No, he was the nerdy but lovable best friend to Zack Morris and A.C. Slater. This is the show that put Mario Lopez on the map!

FN: Is he any relation to George Lopez? I've heard of his show.

DD: You know, you're a fucking idiot, dude!

FN: Does your plunger come with a warranty?

DD: No.

FN: What if it doesn't work?

DD: It'll fucking work, dude.

FN: Well, yeah, probably, but nothing's perfect.

DD: Well, yeah, except my product is perfect. Fuck a warranty. Fuck you.

FN: How much does your plunger cost?

DD: $89.99, plus shipping and handling and servicing fees.

FN: What exactly does the servicing fee entail?

DD: Oh, what the fuck? What do you think it "entails?"

FN: I really don't know.

DD: If you don't know, maybe you're too stupid to have one. Give me back your complimentary toilet plunger.

FN: I never got one.

DD: Bullshit!

FN: No, I never got one. My producer kept asking your girlfriend/manager for one to use for a demonstration, and she kept saying she couldn't give us one.

DD: If you don't give that back to Screech Co. Incorporated, I'm gonna sue your ass for insubordination.

FN: I don't think that's actually ins--

DD: And malpractice. And grand larceny.

FN: I think you're just throwing random terms out now...

DD: And a federal judiciary.

FN: Again, I'd like to thank our guest today, Dustin Diamond. Check out his website, http://www.screeched.biz/, to learn more information on his "Screech Toilet Plunger 4000." Are people able to obtain earlier models such as the 2000 or 3000?

DD: Go fuck yourself.

FN: Thanks again, Dustin.

ROBIN WILLIAMS INTERVIEW

On the eve of his 57th birthday, Academy-Award winning actor Robin Williams sat down with "Fake News and Notes" to answer some questions in an impromptu Q&A regarding the state of film, the upcoming presidential election, and why cats like to stick their butts in people's faces.

Fake News: Robin, first of all, I want to thank you for taking some time out of your busy day to sit down and talk with us.

Robin Williams: Well, it's either with us or against us, as they say. I do say! I delcare! Oh ho, now! There's a declaration! "It is this day, July 21st, 2008, that we declare our independence!" "Wow-wee, look at all them fireworks there, now, Billy Jean! That there's a sight to behold!" "Hey, man! You holdin'? I'm freakin' out here, man!!!"

FN: Yeah... congratulations on your recent Emmy nomination for guest actor in a drama series. I saw your spot on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, and you really seemed comfortable in that medium, unlike a lot of film actors. Would you ever consider a jump into television, say on a show like "Damages" or "Boston Legal?"

RW: Legal beagle? How about the Regal Beagle? "I don't know about this, Larry. Janet's going to be here any minute with Mr. Roper and State Senator Dobson. I don't think I have enough time to persuade these two stewardesses that I'm a Pope's apprentice." "Do you really think you'd make for a great Pope with such a horrendous presentation? Who would honestly ever want to convert to Catholicism after witnessing such a meandering, stupid, fat performance? You're fired!" Oh ho, fire, fire, pants on liar! Liar, Liar! Let's see what I can contort into? Ooh, say, now I'm in a box! Now, I'm in a cupboard! Now, I'm in a missile silo! "You lookin' for dem weapons of mass destruction? They right over there!"

FN: (slight laugh) Good point... you know, I just saw "Man of the Year" for the first time last week, and I'm surprised at how poorly it was received. The concept seemed pretty current, but the execution seemed to miss... something. How do you feel about that film's message?

RW: Message in a baw-tull... message in a baw-tull... Ooh hoo, what if it was a massage in a bottle? Kind of a tight fit, defeats the purpose. Highlights! Fun with a purpose! What about "Highlights: Fun with a Porpoise?" Oh, all the games you could play with your dolphin friends. But "Friends," hey, where's Joey? Where's Ross? "His monkey got out! Someone stop the monkey!" SHOCK the mon-key!

FN: Yeah, that was a pretty good song. Um, I've noticed that in your lengthy career, you really haven't done too many sequels, despite having a slew of hit films under your belt. Is that solely by coincidence, of because you're aware of the ri--

RW: Can you ask me about that dog?

FN: What?

RW: Can you ask me a question about that dog that lady is walking? The one right across the street?

FN: Um, sure. What are your thoughts on that dog across the street?

RW: "How much is that dog-gy in the window?" (laughs) "Who let the dogs out?!! Who?!! Who?!!! Who?!!! Who?!!!" "Hey, man, you know what they say--it's a dog-eat-dog world!" But have you ever seen a dog eat another dog? It'd be anarchy, anarchy everywhere, if dogs were just running around, taking bites out of one another! Why, it'd be truly insane! "Insane in the mem-brane! Insane! Got no brain!"

FN: (sighs) Um,... McCain or Obama?

RW: "Hello?!! This is John McClane!"

FN: No, that's Die Ha--

RW: "Do you hear me? There are 87 Russian terrorists up here! Yippie ki yay, I can't fight them all!" Ooh hoo, or maybe I can! Nun-chuks!

FN: All right, I believe that's all the time we have for today. I want to thank Robin Williams for being with us today.

RW: Being be up, Scotty!

FN: Yeah,...